Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Like a moth to the flame...

I just can't stay away.

I've was excited for this season with Emily but I was not planning to blog it. I lasted three episodes and now here I am. Blogging it. So let's just dive in shall we?

I have lots to say about Emily Maynard. When she was on Brad's season I loved her. We all loved her right? Don't try and say you didn't because I know you did. She was sweet and classy, kind, always so lady-like (refreshing!) and pretty much the least dramatic person who had ever been on this show (more refreshing!). And to top it off she's the most gorgeous 40-year-old-looking 26-year-old that I've ever seen. (More on this later.)

But then Brad picks her. (Of course.) And oops...looks like Emily wasn't particularly interested in getting married after all. What she was actually interested in was being the next Bachelortte. That's sort of hard to do when you get proposed to at the end of the season. No worries...she just talked some jibberish about how Brad was like, garble garble, and also, it didn't work out because of blag blaggity blah blag and they had to break up because, bloppity blobbity bloop, and yeah. So clearly, what we learned from Emily is that she broke up with one of the worlds most gorgeous men, who was madly in love with her, and wanted to raise her child, for reasons that no one could ever dissemble and then started rallying on her blog to land the role as the next Bachelorette so she can "get married and have lots of babies" i.e. make a shizload of money and land a modeling gig. Par for the course as far as this show is concerned right? Right. HOWEVER, as opposed to before when I LOVED Emily and thought she was pretty much perfection...I now do NOT love Emily and think she is all sorts of sketchy.

For example...I think she had some plastic surgery done on her plastic surgery. Liz and I were talking about this. For a 26 year old she looks more like a flawless 40 year old. It's so bizzare. She's like the prettiest 40 year old ever! Except she's 26. And did she have some caps put on her caps? Because I think her teeth got bigger and whiter from the last time she was on tv. In general, flawless, tan skin and a perfect nose and huge boobs and giant, white teeth are usually a good thing. Although maybe not when it makes a 26 year old look like a beautiful 40 year old?

Also sketchy? Her clothing budget for this season of the show. $350,000. ! !! !?!?! WHA! ?? See here.

“We had an enormous clothing budget,” Emily’s stylist, Cary Fetman, said. “It was bigger than any previous season ... and we still went over!”

Oh ha! Hahaha! Ha. Heh. IDIOT.

This is just gross to me. Especially when all I have seen her wear so far are tiny, little butt shorts that surely came from Forever 21 and weird, over sized, off-the-shoulder, shirt things.

Please don't give Emily Maynard a $350,000 clothing budget and then expect me to believe that she is doing this show for any reason other than a $350,000 CLOTHING BUDGET.

I'm married with an awesome husband and I would do this show for a $350,000 clothing budget no questions asked.

So pretty much I don't like Emily. She's super boring and I'm sick of hearing 10,000 conversations per episode about her daughter. "What do you think of me having a daughter?" "How will my daughter fit in your life?" "I have a daughter." "I don't know if you know this, but I have a daughter." "Daughter!" "Are you willing to raise my daughter?" "And also, I have a daughter." "You can't meet her, or see her, but tell me...what do you think about my daughter and can you commit, right now, to raising her FOREVER?" It's as if Emily is the only person on the earth with a child. No ONE ever before has raised a child on their own. EMILY IS A FREAKING SINGLE MOM GODDESS! Women all over the world are looking on at Emily in complete awe and amazement while she single handedly has raised a child, in a mansion, with an SUV, while finding the time and money to rearrange her entire face, get a perfect and even tan and spend $350,000 on size 0 clothings. How does she do it?! It must be So. Hard. Wow. HARD!

Also, I have a sneaking suspicion, and correct me if I'm wrong here, that maybe these guys are saying what she wants to hear in order to, perhaps, not get kicked off the show. And I might be way off base here but I'm guessing, that, maybe the best place to find a step father for your child might not be on The Bachelorette? And last time I checked most single guys would maybe consider marrying a women with previous children a tough decision. But don't you dare speak of this to Emily. I mean, we all saw what happened to Alejansandrosan (whatever) for saying that he was willing to make this compromise. Uh, excuse me IDIOT! Do not speak truth to Emily. Marrying her and her daughter is not a compromise. How. Dare. He. It's a freaking DREAM COME TRUE and a PRIVILEGE to end up with Emily and her daughter. So how the freak DARE HE say the word compromise to some chick that he has known for three days with a mystery daughter that he has never met. I love that they are all supposed to be madly in love with her and 100% committed to her child without actually knowing her or ever having met her child. That's super normal. I also love how they all sit around arguing all day about who is the most ready to take on the father role. Also super normal. Now granted, her daugther is part of the package and it's very important that she ends up with someone who loves Ricky. But I'm just saying, this show is the stupid. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Can I also point out, that during this last episode Emily was trying to get Chris to talk about some of his real flaws. Did you not LOVE her personal examples of "real" flaws that she has? "I don't work out." (First of all, liar. Second of all, that's a humblebrag. Third of all, how is that a fault?) "I stay in my pajamas all day." (Shut up Emily. That's just offensive to pretty much every mom on the planet. She seriously considers that a fault?)

There is more to say about Emily Maynarded. But let's move on. I'm getting annoyed. But lastly, I just want to say I don't actually HATE/hate Emily. It's more of a you're annoying and fake type hate. And It's not like I wouldn't trade her for her body/hair/money/tanness/car without a second thought. And I think it's important to point out that I in no way think she is a bad mom. In fact, she seems like a great mom. I'm glad she makes her daughter a priority, even while being on her own reality show. It's not like moms don't already tear one another down too much as it is. I just think there is some sketchiness going on there. Sketchiness with her and with the show.

Now on to the guys. Most of them haven't really made it into the forefront yet. So I'm only going to cover the ones that have stood out thus far. But really, the guys are pretty boring this season, no? I can put all these guys into one of two categories...annoying or not annoying.

He seems cute. 
I'm not sure I've heard him speak.
Not annoying. (Yet.)
I like.
He's normal and funny.
I also enjoy that he calls guys out on their weirdness.
Not annoying.
Like him too. I think? Not sure. He's a little touchy about his age.
But still, not annoying.
Such a whiner. And so fake. So maybe a perfect fit for Emily?
I loved Arie's quote about Doug, so hilarious:
"Doug is like the hulk. DOUG ANGRY. DOUG SMASH. DOUG saaad."

With one f. Hmmm.
I know he stays around for a long time. I think he seems normal and nice.
He wore blue knee socks to the rose ceremony which I found hilarious and also somehow cool?
Not annoying.
Such a douche.
Don't tell a girl you won't "love on her" if she gets fat. Ew.
Also, I think he might be delusional. Talking, in all seriousnes, about his media contacts back home and about how if he was the bachelor he thinks he could really open himself up and it would be really "neat to see" is psychotic.
Good call keeping him Emily. He's a winner.
Nice. Sure. Whatev.
Not annoying.
Why is she still on?
My husband tells me to stop talking all the time and it's fine. But the way he said it to Emily made my skin crawl. He is the absolute worst.
Louis Vuitton luggage and J.Crew gingham shirts? Is he gay?
The definition of annoying.

So what do you guys think? Any favorites yet? Anyone bored to tears?


Marcus and Amy said...

Oh YEA!! I am so glad your back and blogging about the show!
Totally laughed the whole way through reading it. So funny! Especailly, "my husband tells me to stop talking all the time and it's fine." I am sure that's not true, but funny none the less. It was creepy the way K face said it to Emily though.
I think she will end up going with Arie, its pretty obvious and he had a head start with her over the other guys being a race car driver. But I like him so it's ok that she will choose him.
But Doug would be a good fit with her too cause all he can talk about is his son and how he is a father, blah blah blah. And yes, good quote by Arie on him!
And even though Alijandroboflo was honest with the whole "comprimise" thing, good call on ditching him seeing as he marries his aunt/cousin and cheats on her with another relative and lives his life as a gypsy? Hmmm, red flags all around on that guy.
The only thing that could make this season better would be to bring Bentely Square Face on, right?
Oh so glad your back!

The McBrides said...

love it, thank you thank you. My lame bachlorette addiction is now complete. i am really unimpressed with what she has pulled out wardrobe wise, she may have class but she aint no Jillian

liz said...

YAy! so glad you decided to come back. ;) ...i have to say Arie is the only normal one in the bunch. also, my friend totally dated jef - twas an EFY romance - he seems semi-normal but those blue knees highs?! hated them. i know he's trying to be all hipster but, no. and emily is totally a trophy 40-yr-old! ha.

Starr said...

I woke up with a baby in my back and one slapping my face awake. So I stumbled out to the refrigerator only to find an empty box of diet coke and gnashed my teeth big time. And then I checked your blog and laughed my A off. So hilarious. Emily is WAY bizarre. The 40/26 year old totally nails it. This is like the Truman Show of Bachelorette shows. Something is just off.

Ty and Meg said...

Sarser we are so not in agreeance on some of these dudes. But I do agree about Jeff. And Emily. But I freaking HATE Arie. So annoying to me. Yucky. But I love this season for some reason. I think Jeff is the only one who is even sort of acceptable. The rest of them suck. Which is fun.

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