Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Your Grandmas favorite brassiere

Last night I went to the gym instead of watch The Bach. 

I. Know. 

So today I watched  it on Hulu and for some reason it's almost impossible for me to make it through this show when I'm watching it online.  Especially when I know I could just turn it off and go watch something way better...like The Colbert Report or The Daily Show or Hoarders.  But I pushed through.  I persevered. All for you guys.

Firstly, these women are ridiculous.  They have more issues than hoarders have old, fast food bags.  (I know, I watch a lot of Hoarders.) I hate these women.  I don't think there is a worse portrayal of the female species in all the world.

But I hate the model the most.  She is disgusting.  Remember when she said, "A lot of these girls are intelligent.  But I always say...book smart can be boring." Yeah, you would say that Courtney.  It must be hard to compete with these girls when you are obviously a complete moron.  But apparently, if you tell a dude that you are a model, this will trump EVERYTHING else...such has being completely stupid, mentally disturbed, barely attractive, hated by everyone and a total, raging biznatch.  BUT SHE'S A MODEL! So it's cool. Of course he's going to pick her.  SHE'S. A. MODEL.

But a model for what?  Obviously not high fashion. So maybe she should get off her high horse for a minute.  Because it looks to me like...


K Mart?

Forever 21?

Maybe the Walmart teen department?

Your grandmothers favorite brassiere brand?
{While living with my 83-year-old Grandma I happened to see her brassiere plenty of times.  And I know for a fact that she owns this one that Courtney is "modeling" below.} 

80s lingerie?

So the model is nuts.  And she clearly has 0% interest in Ben and 100% interest in forwarding her incredible modeling career.  Those two are going to be very happy together.  And they will make beautiful babies!  Ew.

I give them 3 weeks.

But, strangely enough, the model has some fierce competition in the cray cray department.  These girls are all nuts (minus Kacie B).  And never did it shine through more then when Shawntel showed up.  SHAWNTEL is the one making a psycho move and somehow she ends up looking like the sane one of the bunch?  Yikes. 

Seriously!  This girl FAKE FAINTED for attention:

And this one ran sobbing from the room when she didn't get a rose on the SECOND ROSE CEREMONY:

{above photos from the best tumblr in the world.}

So yes, the girls are all psycho and needy and pathetic and gross.  I mean, seriously?...   

And Ben is Blah McBlahBlahson.  It's like watching a coma patient who can walk.  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

But if there is one thing The Bach loves, it's finding the girl who is THE MOST afraid of heights...and then  forcing her to climb the freaking San Francisco bridge. 

But it was all for the best!  Because "relationships are all about bridging trust!" And "bridging love". And "crossing the bridge of adventure". And "bridges". And "bridging one side with another". And "bridging together two different people".  And some other bridge metaphors. Which apparently means forcing your partner to do stuff they hate.  Like climbing tall bridges?  Umm?  Yeah.


kalie said...

I am so excited you were at the gym!! I can't wait to hear about your workout. And seriously? Those modeling pictures are the worst!

The McBrides said...

hillarious, I hate this season with every fiber of my being. half way through the first episode I got online and read all the spoilers for the season, hate ben, hate the girls, hate the show, still can't not watch it!

Ty and Meg said...

I am totally not watching. yay! I think I have cured myself. Ben is so ugly and lame that it is not that hard to stay away. Why wont they just pick someone new???

Marcus and Amy said...

Really laughed my way through that whole post! Good times.

But, um, did you see that Emily Maynard is the next 2012 bachette? As long as they do the taping in NC. Could be a good season - could be a lot like this one.

the Baker 4 said...

OMG Andrea this is the funniest post ever. I agree with you 100% and I dont know how I am hooked on this show, I guess hoping Ben picks Kacie B the only sane one of the bunch. If I have to hear Courtney's remarks one more time I'm going to puke!! Keep up the GREAT posts!

Elizabeth said...

So I totally stalk your blog. Mostly for these bachelor posts. I couldn't agree with you more. Ben is ridiculous. I feel like he has zero personality. He just does whatever anyone says. BLAH. I hate this season, but yet I can't stop watching. Please don't stop because I love reading your hilarious take on each episode.

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