Tuesday, June 7, 2011

You guiys are all thaa bast.


{although really, is there anything dumber than this?}{oh wait, yeah there is.}

dumbest. before i start in on square head pube hair let's talk about everything else first. because once i get going there will be no stopping me.

flash mob date made me squirm. everything about it. like them eating awkwardly in a big, fenced off area of grass. alone. while random shoppers looked on. then poor ben has to start dancing around the grass with ashley. then people join in. and tada! flash mob. flash mobs can be cool. this was just idiotic. poor, poor ben. he was a good sport. and fairly attractive. he's no fug face square head though. and everyone knows ashley has a thing for square heads.

i feel like all i do is complain about the dumb as eff dates that these people have to participate in. is every week a competition among the producers to see who can think up the worst, most humiliating date?

because which ever producer came up with the roast ashley idea? well done sir. i tip my hat to you. because that was officially. OFFICIALLY. the. worst. date. ever. what person in their right mind would want to be roasted? i mean, does anyone find it fun to be publicly humiliated and insulted so others can laugh? well, anyone besides danny tanner and pamela anderson. but NORMAL people...they don't want to be roasted. and normal people don't want to be the ones roasting someone. so yes, while i think ashely should have held her shee together a little better than she did...because...you know...it was A ROAST...i still can understand her being hurt. because she is a normal person. not an alcoholic, brain dead, money whoring, celebrity who will sit through any manner of humiliation for money/attention.

i sort of thought william did the best job. they told him to do a roast. so a roast he did. i thought him leaving the building and running down the street was probably the most hilarious part of the whole comedy club date. the only thing that would have made it better was if we could have heard him sobbing at the same time. running and sobbing. ha.

square head was such a good comforter though. saving the night! by blankly staring at ashley while she blubbered on and on {and on} about how much she liked him. good judge of character that girl is. she apparently couldn't see the disgust on his face. because as he let us all know in one of is disgusting confessionals, he hates crying. he also hates women. and kindness. and self respect. but he loves plaid. and shopping at the buckle.

so...so far...two completely ridiculous dates. and still no freaking helicopter ride. it can't get worse right? WRONG!

j.p. gets the unbelievable HONOR of chillin with ashley in her p.j.s and fugly glasses. i think i'd rather watch a flash mob.

jeff unveils his face. finally! and wow. he looks like jeff! without a mask! amazing! what an incredible unveiling. worth the 3 weeks wait for sure. ashely clearly felt the same...what with her dead eyes and expressionless face. "hi, i'm jeff." blank stare from ashley. "my mask is now off." blank stare from ashley. "this is my face...without a mask." blank stare from ashely. "aren't i handsome? totally worth the wait right?" blank stare from ashley. "but thanks to the mask you got to know the REAL me, on the inside, instead of being completely swept away by my devilish good looks first." blank stare from ashley.

shockingly, no rose for jeff. i know...i couldn't believe it either you guys.

should we talk about plaid shirt square head now? did you notice how he wore a plaid shirt for this entire episode? not cute plaid though. flannel plaid.

so here is the thing. you have all heard me talk about the amount of editing that goes into this show. i KNOW that barely anything that is shown is reality. but with that said, i don't believe that bentley was edited to appear the way he appeared. i actually think he is the worlds most vile, disgusting type of guy.

but first, wtf is wrong with ashley for acting like she was madly in love with someone who she had met a whole 3 times??? we are THREE WEEKS IN! she never even had a one on one date with him. when they would talk...it was more like she would talk, and he would sort of mumble responses. and on top of that, she was TOLD by michelle money that he was there for the wrong reasons. so why WHY THE F was she so heartbroken over this? i can't handle how pathetic and stupid that is. i mean seriously, was she actually considering bentley? did she want her children to look like a bunch of little sponge bobs? yellow and square. was she hoping to convert to mormonism? and move to the slc. give up drinking and slinky cocktail dresses. and dye her hair blond and shop at shade and maybe start an etsy shop full of baby headbands. seriously?! was this her plan? and bentley leaving early just shattered all of it.

so ashley is a dumb dumb.

but bentley is trash. bentley is a cruel, disgusting, worthless, pathetic excuse for a man. using his daughter to bail? low. being the father of a daughter and than treating a women in that way? lower. talking about trying to turn ashley on while at the same time being practically GLEEFUL over making her cry? lowest. every word that came out of his mouth was VILE. i truly hope for nothing but bad things to come his way. i hope whatever stupid business he was trying to peddle on national television fails miserably. i hope no one will work with him ever again. and i hope all the people who know him decide they would rather not. seriously. if i was his ex wife i would take him to court and fight for soul custody over our daughter so she would never have his disgusting influence in her life. and then i would move to the desert and hide from the world because i would be so mortified that i was ever married to him.

so thanks bentley for making utahns and mormons in general look so, dang good!

you guys know he will be back. so get ready for that. barf.

lastly, my favs so far...

hey mickey, you're so fine. you're so fine that you and ashley have no chance of working.
hey mickey!
hey mickey!
j.p. i like. ames. sort of weirdish looking. but seems so, for reals, nice.
ben p. victim of the flash mob. he's cute.who are you guys liking? nobody? i understand.


Ty and Meg said...

Still have not watched! BAM. But I liked your post. And I feel like I watch considering how much people talk about square head.

Marcus and Amy said...

Could not agree with you more. In fact, I hope his daughter grows up and finds someone just like him!
I read an interview that Chris H. did, they had no idea that Square head was like that until they started taping and that they DIDN'T edit him to look like that either, he really was that much of a slime ball. I believe it.
And it was really low too after the roast when he said he was "going in for the kill and really going to mess with Ashley's head." Who does that!!?? Pretty sure he sealed the deal for being single the rest of his life.
Did you watch Ashley on Jimmy Kimmel? You should - he showed her for the 1st time the clip with the line I quoted last week. You are right, she is not such a great jusge of character. Do you think she picked someone?
Bummed Mickey didn't get a lot of camera time this week. He is nice to look at.
I like Ben P. too and Nick the one with a FULL head of hair. But of course Mickey is my favorite!

Trav and Lizzie said...

Yes yes yes, finally the Bach post makes it's debut. Come on though, every guys fantasy is for the girl to turn to them in a public place and say,
"let's do the dance. I wanna do the dance. Right now. And oh my gosh, people are watching. " HOT. And might I add, super normal to add to a perfectly harmless picnic in the park.

Jeff's ugly mug unveiled. Hilarious. Jeff being distraught as bentley says he's leaving... "but Ashley likes you the most, are you sure you want to do this?" double hilarious.

Well done. Ps, I think JP looks old, or like he's been around the block... At the very least been on acutane... His skin is weirdish or something. But whatevs, Mickey is supa fine.

liz said...

HAHA! andrea, thank you for your weekly bach posts. i don't even have to watch the show because your retelling is even better! i can't believe these are real people. why? why would you want to ever be on that show? dummies. one and all.

also. loooved seeing you tonight! xoxoxoxoxo

The McBrides said...

watching this made me so overwhelmingly grateful that I am no longer single in a world with such vile guys such as Bentley. I honestly could not believe that he was actually using his daughter- that's like sacred territory. He obviously doesn't honor his little girl any more than women in general. Oh and you realize that his business is selling trampolines? So far, I like no one. this is a bum season if I ever saw one. Im not sure what I expected though, Mickey is pretty cute however

Marcus and Amy said...

I discovered a new Costco treat...its the Peach Mango Orange spread and it is delicious! It is in the isle with all the jelly and peanut butter. Its yummy, you should try!

Anonymous said...

What makes me the most sad is that she doesn't even know that he is a slime ball yet. She feels heartbroken and then she is going to watch the show herself, and be heartbroken on a whole new level! She actually thought he like her back. It's like a double kick to the gut. Poor thing. Bentley is a villain, like serial killerish. I couldn't believe the comment, "Having your heartbroken is worse than having an illness." And he actually wants to inflict a human being with it. Freakish. But I guess he got what he wanted because here we all are, talking about it, with our jaws dropped to the floor.

And I have to say boo to the Ames selection. Really Andrea? He is like a plastic robot with no emotions and an eye sore. ;0

Anonymous said...

Oh I forgot one other thing... I am thinking about opening an etsy site, so when I do, you can only giggle to yourself about the mormon girl with the etsy site. ;)

I'm A. said...

Ha. Ruth. Funny. Here is the thing...as a Mormon girl I really can't resist the pull of homemade Etsy stuff. So...I might make fun of it...while I'm shoppig. Hee.

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