Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Who would have thought that the flip of a coin would have resulted in a night that was so perFACT?

you can tell bentley is mormon because he has a stupid, made up name. a bentley is a car. and after that it is MAYBE a girls name. but it is never a boys name. his parents didn't really fully commit to the stupid, name thing though, because if they had they would have spelled it bentleigh or bennttleijh or benntlee or bentalei.

but, as suggested by my friend amy, we are going to call him dumb hair square head. because he's dumb. and his hair is gross. and his head is square.

and so far, his plaid shirt count is at 4.

so how original is square head?! i mean, wow! never. NEVER! in the history of this show has someone played the douche bag in order to get more camera time. NEVER! he came up with this idea on his own. he DEFINITELY did not come up with this idea by watching his friend michelle...you know the one...michelle who took awesome bach/ette drama to a whole new level last season? he definitely did not take a page from her book. he is very smart you guys. this is all him. he's an original.

so first up, fake wedding date with cell phone salesman. watching ashley fake walk down the aisle...oi. this is a new, awkward low. i went and changed a poopy diaper because that seemed like more fun than watching fake wedding date. poor cell phone salesman. they force him to pretend like he wants to marry her so she can shut him down after he plays along with that stupid game all day. weee! fun!

embarrass guys in front of live studio audience by making them dance around? check! you know the bach/ette is off and running when they make people do dumb stuff in front of an audience.

one on one time with west, who lets her know that his wife died. he forgot to mention that she drowned in the bathtub while he was in the other room. awkward! seriously though, internet world says he murdered her. as do her parents. and that is very sad and horrible. so of course abc wanted to get him on the show post haste!

then one on one time with bentley. who apparently is not attracted to her at all. understandable, because he is such an incredible catch. apparently his ex-wife thought so as well. so how many episodes do you think it will take him to quit the show? my bet is just enough episodes to peddle whatever company/career/talent that he is trying to get out there into the world. bentters kicks himself off next week, in what, according to chris harrison, IS THE MOST DRAMATIC EVENT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN BACH/ETTE HISTORY!!! oh please abc. please. spare me. we are so used to fake villains by now that it's no longer even interesting. especially since you create your "villains" through tricky editing and probably hefty paychecks. i'd like to know what square head dumb name is getting paid to act this way.

then she goes on a date with mickey. they get some wine, and walk around and flip coins and then theeeeezzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ.........

meanwhile, mask guy is still wearing his mask. here is his bio picture on the website, which is not embarrassing at all, totally normal, NOT hilarious:

oh wait. yeah, it is hilarious.

despite the fact that mask guy is clearly socially retarded, i would probably pick him over square head bad hair. nobody likes a square head. just think of jay leno.

cocktail party.

square head points out that he would rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with ashley. so he takes the logical next step and carries her over to the fire {for camera time} then makes out with her {for camera time} then acts like he hated making out with her {for camera time} then points out that he can't wait to get off the show {for camera time} which he knows will definitely insure that he gets a lot of camera time. yay square head!

seriously though, i know his type. i hate his type actually. he's an investment banker. i used to work with a bunch of them at zions bank. worst job ever. EVER. my good friend worked with bentley at goldman sachs before he quit to be on the show. she told me how he likes to smell his own farts. {she didn't actually tell me that. but i know he does. he also probably shoots finger guns at people as he walks down the cubicle aisle.}

rose ceremony.

chris harrison alerts us to the fact that it is the final rose of the night.

she kicks off some randoms.

keeps mask guy. of course. because, i mean, who wouldn't?

and we are left to anxiously wait until next week to see if mask guy will finally reveal the skin that is located around his eyes.

i don't know about you guys, but i'm having some bach/ette helicopter ride with drawls. i need my fix man! there better be a helicopter ride next week.

and my favorite quote from next weeks preview is from square head..."i'm going to make ashley cry. but i hope my hair looks good."

well, you know what square head? no one would know if your hair looks good or not {it doesn't, though} because we can't see past your huge, square, face. but i'm sure going to miss that square head when it's gone. we need to savor every square head moment next week. because sadly, they will be our last. *sniffle*


Meg said...

HA! I didn't even watch this episode and I laughed though this whole thing. Maybe it is better if I don't watch and just keep reading your posts. I have never gone 2 episodes without watching before. It is like an invisible string tied around my head pulling me to the TV. At some point I am going to have to give in so my head doesn't explode. But as of now I am proud of myself for making it this far.

I'm A. said...

Just give in. Because next week is your last chance to watch square head. And I promise it will be worth it. Chris Harrison told me so.

Marcus and Amy said...

Oh my, I laughed so hard reading this that I am crying. And I am still laughing w/ tears.

I totally understand why all past girl friends of "william cell phone sales" left him and ran off and got married to someone else. I am just saying - he showed some true colors.

Mickey is still so HOT though. In fact, when ever he has camera time, "Oh Mickey your so fine your so fine you blow my mind hey Mickey hey Mickey" enters my head.

And I will miss square head too, and that was a great line from next week. Just as close to him telling us that he "would like Ashley to give him a ****** tickle." I am glad ABC bleeped that out! Close call on that one!

And I am still laughing at this whole post. Still. So so funny!

Trav and Lizzie said...

Audible laughs throughout this one. Well played, A.

the Baker 4 said...

Love reading your posts, they make my day and make me laugh....But tell me..........How do we get hooked on this show? It just gets worse every season, but here we are once again hooked.........

Amanda the Couch said...

so I totally don't watch the Bach/ Bachette, but I love reading everyone's take on them. this was tres funny. Might I suggest you take a gander of The Mormon Child Bride's take on the wretched Bentley?


you won't be disappointed.


The McBrides said...

oh my, I laughed through this entire post, I actually read it during her date with mickey cause I was so bored and decided that I would rather just jump to my favorite part of the show- reading your commentary. I really like william, but of course he will get the boot, im ready for bachelor pad, that show is WAY more fun. Great post, looking forward to lunch!