Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I hate you Bachelor: On The Wings of Love.

everybody listen...i hate jake. hate. we are all on the same page with this right? is there anyone out there left who doesn't think he's a total goob?

i'm saving ali for last. i have a lot of things to work out with her.

ok. gia. she's hot. really, really hot. also, she's a maxim model, which is one step above pornstar. and that's just fine and whatever but like jake would even know what to do with her. she was on her way out this week. she has ali to thank for one more week on the show and a free week-long trip to the caribbean. jake and gia ending up together is laughable. also, two nights ago i had a dream that gia and i were best friends. and she told me some pretty disturbing things about jake. and i tend to believe my best friend. i realize this was only a dream but once i dreamt that i was flying and i woke up on the floor next to my bed. so...

and isn't tenley just the sweetest little puppy ever? she's like a child. "jake! watch me do a dance!" she is just so sticky, sweety, sweet, sweet. and her family seemed genuinely nice and classy. and she's from oregon. oregon is awesome. and she is very lovely. and super skinny. and the rain boots and navy blue raincoat about did me in. the cuteness! oh tenley, the cuteness. too bad jake has about zero interest in her. also too bad that he was such a massive sleazeball and pretended to be interested in her by asking her crying parents for their blessing to get engaged. jerk wad. i know it's all for the show or whatever, but i don't think you mess with the kind, worrying parents of a sweet, heartbroken women.

and vienna. OH. MY. GHETTO. i just get more and more disturbed the more i learn about her. the outfit she was wearing? really? and her family being a bunch of river people? really?! and her dad?! REALLY?! she is just nasty and immature and ridiculous and ghetto. also, she is in love with her father. and he's in love with her. in a not normal way. at all. shivers. ick. i don't even want to know what goes on behind closed doors at their house.

and then there was ali. according to what the bachelor wants us to believe...ali is the most normal. the most outgoing and fun. the most grounded. and jake seems to like her. although, apparently not that much. congrats to him though for being able to forcibly squeeze out one, lone tear of pretend sadness when she decided to go home. ali made the correct decision. i, personally, would have made the incorrect decision because 1-having a job is lame and there is always another job out there and 2-free trip to the caribbean (hello!). but, good for ali for making the correct decision. this show is so fake that even if he had happened to pick her in the end you know they would have lasted about 5 weeks and then she'd be jakeless and jobless. and also dignityless. going on 5 fantasy dates while being filmed for national television does not equal real-life falling in love and getting married...as this show has shown us time and time again. and i tend to believe that girls, smart girls, not-pathetic girls, have an intuition for when a guy likes them. i'm guessing that if she really believed that jake was in love with her than she would have stayed. but he isn't. and he wasn't going to pick her. and she made the right decision. anyone disagree?

so...concluding predictions...ali is gone and good for her. gia is gone next week...no doubt about it. tenley has no chance since he clearly has no chemistry with her. and that leaves vienna. so he either picks vienna or he picks no one. i'm guessing he picks vienna. and that officially makes jakes the biggest moron on the planet. and all that shiz he's been feeding us all season about how he is nice guy, with morals!, that just wants a nice girl, with morals! to marry and start a family with, a nice girl, one who will make a great wife and mother and blah blah blah...well...that was all a huge, steaming, pile of bs. because what he really wants is to "date" (and by date i mean sleep with) a ditsy, 23-year-old, fake blond, daddy's girl. the chance of these two ending up married is about as likely as me not eating a frozen bean burrito for lunch. and i can tell you with 100% certainty that i will be eating a frozen bean burrito for lunch.

and this show is officially the lamest. show. of. all. time. ever. omg. i. hate. you. jake. die.

p.s. i take back my predictions for next seasons bachelorette. it can't be ali right?...since she loves her job so much and all. and it can't be tenley...because she is way too sweet and retarded. and they wouldn't pick gia since she is kind of a porn star. i don't even want to dare myself to believe that we might get a new bachelorette...someone who isn't tied to the show in one way or another.


Meg said...

Ugh. I once again hate this show more than I thought possible. Jake is effing retarded and I hate him. But we will get to that. Gia is hot and actually really nice and sweet I think- but there is not way he will pick her as you said. All I know is if her sketchy brother didnt seal the kick of gia deal her mother pulling out the tarot cards definitely did. As for Tenley...I have never been so uncomfortable in my whole entire life as I was when she danced for Jake. That was horrifying...and bad. Which was very sad. But she is sweet and her family is wonderful so for her sake I am glad he is not going to pick her. And I love her house.
I feel like the Ali thing was so contrived with both of them trying to squeeze out a few tears before they parted. Oh please. She either could not get out of there fast enough or the show made her do it. Either way- I am so insanely pissed off because that means he is going to choose Vienna which means this show officially sucks more than anything. seriously. why do we submit ourselves to this? i am glad you said how yucky and wrong her relationship with her dad seemed. that was very gross. they were holding hands and kissing and making me feel violated just by watching the tv. yuck. the fact that she is even in the final 3 let alone the probable winner is so lame. ha but i love that you called them river people. ha so true. and her outfits! oh her outfits. actually- her trashiness all makes total sense now. i was so expecting a huge mansion with a super wealthy dad. instead we got ghetto incest. enjoy that jake. enjoy that. maybe you can do a 3some.

Meg said...

Also- the thing that is funny about the ali situation is that supposedly if he was to propose to her she was going to happily quit her job and move on down to Texas...so her throwing a giant fit and having an emotional breakdown over the thought of losing her job was a little hard for me to buy into. Just saying.

I'm A. said...

Ha. Can you imagine Jake marrying into Vienna's family? Jake would have to trade off every few nights with Vienna's dad. Shudder.

Ok...so thoughts on next seasons Bachelorette?

Meg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meg said...

I don't know. I so hope someone new. But I think it could be Ali or Tenley. I think Ali's job would probably be a lot less important if she was offered the drivers seat. I hope they don't pick Tenley because I really couldnt watch a full season of her, but it wouldn't be terribly surprising. But for her sake I hope she doesn't get picked and can focus on getting over her ex-husband situation (which I dont think she is yet) and moving on and finding someone equally as sweet and classy as her and her family.

jen hulet said...

Ha ha. Andrea you have hit the nail on the head on all of this. I think Vienna and her family are all white trash. I am pretty sure her dad is her real boyfriend...what an inappropriate relationship. I think you are right on about Jake. Hate him!!!
Thanks for making me laugh:)!

Ali said...

Ali's tears were forced and so uncomfortable to watch. And what was with falling apart in the middle of the hallway of the hotel? If the camera hadn't been there, she wouldn't have chosen that spot to "weep". I was waiting to catch a glimpse of the smidge of tape, marking the spot where she was to crumble on the floor.

Her job or Jake... I'm not buying the ultimatum. Why would her job suddenly back out of whatever understanding they had prior to her stint on the show? I think she was putting herself in a position to be the next bachelorette... either that or she feared the humiliation of losing out to Vienna so much that she decided to take control and get the h out of there. Seriously though... a free trip to St. Lucia - that will be the regret.

Tenley makes the most sense for him, "on paper"... but they lack the spark. Gia and Jake like kissing each other, but I think her family gave him the creeps.

Vienna... I hate to say it, but I still think she is the one he picks. I thought it was hilarious that her dad gave her a, "Promise you'll never elope again" ring. Doesn't that just scream, RED FLAG! I don't dislike Jake as much as you guys do. He isn't my cup of tea, but I think more than most bachelors he sincerely wants to be married more than he wants the lime light.

As for next season, I think they are setting the stage for Ali. However, I hope they go with someone completely new and different.

You are so,so hilarious. Keep writing for the sake of my happiness.

p.s. Ask B (if he's watching the show with you) if Vienna reminds him of any of his ex-girlfriends. E-mail me ali.flegal@gmail.com to discuss!

Meg said...

ha and then copy me. :)
Also- I used to think Jake really was a nice guy who wanted to me married...right up until he decided to pick Vienna.

Em said...

I HATE JAKE! The whole episode I was waiting for him to stop pretending like he liked any of the girls. It is awkward. He has the same problem with all of them that he had with Jillian. He is trying to hard to be sincere that he comes off lame and fake.

Vienna makes me want to take a shower.
Gia is not on the right show. (think rock of love)
Tenley loves him too much, so we all know that doesn't work out for the girls.
Ali was too cute and smart to get caught up in Jake any more.


I'm A. said...

Emolee...That is an interesting point...maybe he likes none of them. Because he so obviously isn't really that into Tenley, Gia or Ali. Do you think he is also sort of just not into Vienna, but into her enough that he will pick her just to save face since for the last 2 seasons he hasn't shut his stupid mouth about how bad he wants to get married? Hmm. I totally agree with you...he is just SO. FREAKING. AWKWARD. Those fake, cheese ball smiles that he throws around, and his uncomfortable make-outs, and how weird he acted around ALL thier families. I felt like the show had to edit the crap out of last night just to get a few good lines out of Jake at ALL of the girls family homes. I'm sure he just sat there like a retard trying to hard to come of as nice and normal. Boo him.

Sarah said...

You guys! Ali is coming back next week. I really think she will show up in the Carib. Its a twist the producers are just going to keep on using. I totally thought the only reason Viennadog was still on was because they were going to show her rich and famous life, but no, as you said "river people." Her ring from her dad is so weird and the whole situation is creepy. also- was that her real mom- the made is so elusive. next bachelorette? tenley.

Sarah said...

and im really ticked. just got home from paradise and ordered a sick salad due to the fact i didn't know about the veggie sandhwich. next time.

I'm A. said...

Yeah man, get the veggie sandwich next time. It's real, real good.

Anyways, so I'm thinking Ali doesn't come back and the show is just trying to hook us for next week. But, like you said Sarah, I would NOT be surprised to see her show up. The Bach needs some new tricks up thier sleeve.

Jen said...

Alright, here goes my two cents (first, though, I will be there tomorrow night for sure!)...I think Jake is a completely awkward cheesy dork, but not a bad guy. I think he is decent and sincere, he is just so awkward that it comes across as fake. Vienna - trailer trash, unattractive and generally icky! I must have missed the part about her previous marriage...but I think the river convo about it should have been a big RED flag. Plus, the second I walked into that house, it would absolutely seal the deal - no way - then again...if it were me (assuming I were a man), she whould have been gone a long time ago! Tenley - adoreable and sweet - I like her a lot. Gia - I really like her too and think she is sweet, but her family seemed a bit weird. Ali - I don't know if agree on her. I think this episode had me completely convinced he would end up with her because I thought the sparks were there and I think she sincerely was torn up about it, but it was totally awkward how he reacted and didn't try to get her to stay until the last minute. Regardless, I think he will take her back next week. As far as next season's bachelorette I can say this - if it is Vienna I am REALLY not watching! Any of the other 3 or someone new and I would be there!

Dustin and Whit said...

i just feel like this is all a repeat of last season with ali throwing a big hugabaloo about her work and then coming back (supposedly) i don't know, even if it is all rigged and the producers are staging the drama, I need new material. Im so bored. I really wish that freaky Elizabeth girl or even that Rozlyn chick was still in the mix, just for the sake of a little entertainment. All in all, i think we can all agree that this season was a total bust.

Starr said...

Jake is gross. I loved that he wore a Jamaican choker in one of the interviews. For me, that explains it all. Buffalo Soldier and his ManShe Viennadouche.

I'm A. said...

I forgot about the Jamaican choker! Darnit! That really was a high point...and by high point I mean low point.