everybody listen...i hate jake. hate. we are all on the same page with this right? is there anyone out there left who doesn't think he's a total goob?
i'm saving ali for last. i have a lot of things to work out with her.
ok. gia. she's hot. really, really hot. also, she's a maxim model, which is one step above pornstar. and that's just fine and whatever but like jake would even know what to do with her. she was on her way out this week. she has ali to thank for one more week on the show and a free week-long trip to the caribbean. jake and gia ending up together is laughable. also, two nights ago i had a dream that gia and i were best friends. and she told me some pretty disturbing things about jake. and i tend to believe my best friend. i realize this was only a dream but once i dreamt that i was flying and i woke up on the floor next to my bed. so...
and isn't tenley just the sweetest little puppy ever? she's like a child. "jake! watch me do a dance!" she is just so sticky, sweety, sweet, sweet. and her family seemed genuinely nice and classy. and she's from oregon. oregon is awesome. and she is very lovely. and super skinny. and the rain boots and navy blue raincoat about did me in. the cuteness! oh tenley, the cuteness. too bad jake has about zero interest in her. also too bad that he was such a massive sleazeball and pretended to be interested in her by asking her crying parents for their blessing to get engaged. jerk wad. i know it's all for the show or whatever, but i don't think you mess with the kind, worrying parents of a sweet, heartbroken women.
and vienna. OH. MY. GHETTO. i just get more and more disturbed the more i learn about her. the outfit she was wearing? really? and her family being a bunch of river people? really?! and her dad?! REALLY?! she is just nasty and immature and ridiculous and ghetto. also, she is in love with her father. and he's in love with her. in a not normal way. at all. shivers. ick. i don't even want to know what goes on behind closed doors at their house.
and then there was ali. according to what the bachelor wants us to believe...ali is the most normal. the most outgoing and fun. the most grounded. and jake seems to like her. although, apparently not that much. congrats to him though for being able to forcibly squeeze out one, lone tear of pretend sadness when she decided to go home. ali made the correct decision. i, personally, would have made the incorrect decision because 1-having a job is lame and there is always another job out there and 2-free trip to the caribbean (hello!). but, good for ali for making the correct decision. this show is so fake that even if he had happened to pick her in the end you know they would have lasted about 5 weeks and then she'd be jakeless and jobless. and also dignityless. going on 5 fantasy dates while being filmed for national television does not equal real-life falling in love and getting married...as this show has shown us time and time again. and i tend to believe that girls, smart girls, not-pathetic girls, have an intuition for when a guy likes them. i'm guessing that if she really believed that jake was in love with her than she would have stayed. but he isn't. and he wasn't going to pick her. and she made the right decision. anyone disagree?
so...concluding predictions...ali is gone and good for her. gia is gone next week...no doubt about it. tenley has no chance since he clearly has no chemistry with her. and that leaves vienna. so he either picks vienna or he picks no one. i'm guessing he picks vienna. and that officially makes jakes the biggest moron on the planet. and all that shiz he's been feeding us all season about how he is nice guy, with morals!, that just wants a nice girl, with morals! to marry and start a family with, a nice girl, one who will make a great wife and mother and blah blah blah...well...that was all a huge, steaming, pile of bs. because what he really wants is to "date" (and by date i mean sleep with) a ditsy, 23-year-old, fake blond, daddy's girl. the chance of these two ending up married is about as likely as me not eating a frozen bean burrito for lunch. and i can tell you with 100% certainty that i will be eating a frozen bean burrito for lunch.
and this show is officially the lamest. show. of. all. time. ever. omg. i. hate. you. jake. die.
p.s. i take back my predictions for next seasons bachelorette. it can't be ali right?...since she loves her job so much and all. and it can't be tenley...because she is way too sweet and retarded. and they wouldn't pick gia since she is kind of a porn star. i don't even want to dare myself to believe that we might get a new bachelorette...someone who isn't tied to the show in one way or another.