Tuesday, May 1, 2007

get real.

tonia over at clementine posted a challenge to us all; get real. she challenged us to post something real about ourselves. ali said it best when she wrote, "we like to put forward our best feet and freshest face." i love what alyson wrote about herself; little peeks into her past and daily life. so, i have accepted tonia's challenge to get real, and i hope you all do too.

one of the extremely difficult things about the loss of someone you are close to, is the association you have with that person and so many other things. certain restaurants where you ate, movies you saw together, places you visited, friends you had in common, perfume that you wore, music you both listened to together...all of these things, which you recently loved...are now excruciatingly painful reminders of the past.

the fortunate thing, i believe, is that our hearts are built to fade the painful past from our memory. if i think back to early high school, i can remember the almost unbearable heart ache of my first break up. i can remember that i was in pain, but now, years later, i can not remember how it felt...if that makes any sense. it was in the forefront of my memory for so long, the sting was always there. until, one day, it was just gone. and i'm not even sure when it happened. but one day i just realized that the hurt had flown away.

i had a similar experience with a painful surgery, funny enough. i was getting a routine{ish} surgery done; only a local anesthetic was necessary. although, at some point along the surgery that anesthetic wore off, leaving me unable to move or speak, but completely able to feel every slice of the doctors blade, every stitch of the needle. at the time the physical pain and shock was so great that it threw my tiny, 17-year-old body into seizures. i was in absolute agony for days after that. and later, when i went in for a checkup in the same doctors office, the smell of that place brought the memories of that awful surgery flooding back, and it almost made me sick. i thought i would never, ever forget that pain. but, lo-and-behold, i did. i forgot it completely.

with the recent loss of someone i loved, certain things seem unbearable to me now, things that i absolutely adored less than a week ago; 80s pop music, the smell of clean laundry, cream cheese, tomatoe and caper bagels, gorgeous and brilliant italian films such as, federico fellinis 'la dolce vita'.

in time i know this hurt will fade. it always does. in time i know that life will go on as it once did. this too shall pass. and for that i am most grateful.

*now consider yourself tagged and go 'get real'.


Tonia Conger said...

Great post Andrea! Before meeting my husband, I dated someone for TEN years. When that relationship ended it felt more like a divorce then a break up. Definitely one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Here's to the day when THIS loss fades away like the others!

p.s. that story about your surgery is horrifying!

jamieanne said...

Oooh, this is so beautiful. Isn't it amazing that though the days pass, and suddenly one day you realize 'hey, I didn't think about that yesterday', so you know the pain is passing, the happiness you felt and the beauty of the relationships memories never truly fade? Let the good times roll.

alyson. said...

wow Andrea, beautiful post. it is really amazing to look back at how we felt about heartache, loss, and even elation and love, all while thinking at the time, that we'd never get over it. I think, it's just another way of showing how we grow as a person.

tiffany said...

This is great post. I clicked on the link from Tonia's site. You're a beautiful writer and your insight is inspiring.

liz said...

amen. I once read a quote that said "the pain now is part of the happiness then" I think about that often after I have loved and lost. so glad that we are friends. you amaze me.